Enneagram 6 and 9 relationship killers

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On the contrary, they think—and worry—a lot! They also tend to fear making important decisions, although at the same time, they resist having anyone else make decisions for them. If Sixes feel that they have sufficient back up, they can move forward with some degree of confidence. But if that crumbles, they become anxious and self-doubting, reawakening their Basic Fear.

What am I going to do now? Sixes attempt to build a network of trust over a background of unsteadiness and fear. They are often filled with a nameless anxiety and then try to find or create reasons why.

Wanting to feel that there is something solid and clear-cut in their lives, they can become attached to explanations or positions that seem to explain their situation.

They therefore do everything in their power to keep their affiliations going. I used to have to get the nod of approval from several hundred just joking! I usually would do this one on one: They are both strong and weak, fearful and courageous, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers, sweet and sour, aggressive and passive, bullies and weaklings, on the defensive and on the offensive, thinkers and doers, group people and soloists, believers and doubters, cooperative and obstructionistic, tender and mean, generous and petty—and on and on.

The biggest problem for Sixes is that they try to build safety in the environment without resolving their own emotional insecurities. When they learn to face their anxieties, however, Sixes understand that although the world is always changing and is, by nature uncertain, they can be serene and courageous in any circumstance. And they can attain the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace with themselves despite the uncertainties of life. Become self-affirming, trusting of self and others, independent yet symbiotically interdependent and cooperative as an equal.

Belief in self leads to true courage, positive thinking, leadership, and rich self-expression. Able to elicit strong emotional responses from others: A little bit of dumb- down- time every now and then is the equivalent of a well-earned postprandial nap. This resonates strongly with the Sixes own sense of vulnerability, arousing their protective instincts and desire for justice and communion. Guided by a sense of duty, Sixes can be practical, tireless team-workers, adept at galvanizing the troops and generating an esprit de corps.

Touching also is their trustfulness and keenness to see the beauty, innocence and goodness in others. Sixes are intensely aware of collective mores and standards, even when rebellious or loners. Try as they may, Sixes are always in some respect reacting to an authority, and may spend their lives seeking out someone or something to believe in. In this respect, there is something masochistically Humpty Dumpty- esque about most Sixes; a process of unrealistic idealization and inevitable disappointment following the their being let down by the person, group or ideal in which they have placed absolute faith.

This quality can make interactions with them tiresome as Sixes, ever keen to identify a father figure who they can look up to, a victim they can defend or a scapegoat they can blame, seldom relate on an entirely equal footing.

One can feel that one constantly being tested, which sources from the Sixes anxiety, suspicion and insecurity. Subtypes The 6 with a 5 wing; The Frontiersman This subtype is less common than the 7 wing, and can appear more like the type Five in that they tend to be serious, reserved and self contained, emanating an inner strength and self- sufficiency that is notably lacking in the more open and effusive 7 wing.

Here is the archetypal tough frontiersman, the self- reliant loner, reluctant to open -up and mistrustful to a degree that, when unhealthy, borders on downright paranoia. The most cursory glance at the compositional notebooks of Ludwig Van Beethoven reveal the rigour and dedication with which he worked on his ideas, often putting a theme through a protracted process in order to arrive at a conclusion that was satisfactory both formally and aesthetically.

Technical displays of compositional mastery the Five's desire for formal integrity are often complimented by the Sixes rebelliousness, and a challenging of established rules and limitations.

There is also a sense that he is striving to convey his innermost thinking, revealing something of himself and his complexity to the listener. The 6 with a 7 wing; The Provocateur This subtype expresses the more typical Six issues of belonging, acceptance and ambivalence, and, in stark contrast to the reserved, private 5 wing, tends to be vocal, engaging and more accessible, both companionably and confrontationally.

Whether a staunch conservative suspicious of change, or the eternal revolutionary storming the barricades, this subtype tends to run to extremes, eschewing moderation as concession, and is partisan by design, all too often defined by what they oppose as much as what they believe in.

[Enneagram Type 4] Relationships between Type 4 & 5

Unlike the private, taciturn 5 wing, members of this subtype tend to "play out" their contradictory natures and insecurities, perhaps in a subconscious bid for some outer authority to take control. Unlike the self- reliant 5 wing, members of this subtype are generally unsuited to solitude, being essentially other- oriented pack animals. Acutely aware of their own vulnerability, healthy Sixes with a 7 wing are sensitive to the neediness of others and go out of their way to provide fraternity, comfort and friendship.

However, the impulsiveness of the Seven can agitate the suspicion of the Six, leading to acts of self sabotage; they may extend the hand of friendship only to snap it back, ever fearful of being hurt or let down, repulsing those they wish to woo with their incessant testing.

Advice Trust yourself, and accept that it takes all sorts to make a world. Displaying very low boredom thresholds, they require the freedom to do what they want, when they want, as well as avoiding all things heavy and painful. Whilst this might make them appear shallow to those of a more reflective disposition, one can be sure that no other type is as adventurous, fun loving and as endowed with life- affirming zest as the Seven.

Sevens tend to have boundless energy and usually remain youthful well into advanced age. There is something Puckish about them, a mischievous playfulness and irreverence that delights in deflating pomposity, offending uptight sensibilities often with shockingly ribald language and slaughtering sacred cows. This makes Sevens especially suited to stand- up comedy, where their quick wits, lightning responses and lack of self- consciousness provide them with the steeliness, the spontaneity and vigour to survive that often most trying profession.

Sevens also seem to be singularly suited to being drummers, where their hyperactivity, demands for variety and desire to be loud can be unleashed upon vast drum kits, resplendent with thumping toms, snapping snares and splashing cymbals.

Whilst they can be remarkably disciplined and, if in a suitably interesting line of work, usually unerringly professional, Sevens tend to avoid routine like the plague, and can therefore have problems with committing themselves, both in terms of career and relationships. In the latter case, Sevens often appear somewhat Satyr- like, being lecherous and sexually inquisitive.

To a certain extent Sevens are, like Sixes, prone to anxiety. However, unlike the previous type who, seeking reassurance, voice their anxiety, Sevens tend to flee from it, and look for distraction.

Alas, this is the last thing the average Seven wants to do. Thus, They can go into denial, adopting a smug, coarse veneer, trying, as in the case of the type Three, to project an image of contention and success. Sadly, at an unhealthy level, Sevens can find themselves singularly ill- equipped to deal with the unavoidable vicissitudes of life, becoming hysterical, self- destructive and unable to access their natural joy and ability to ride the changes.

Subtypes The 7 with a 6 wing; The Sprite This subtype exhibits some of the restlessness, ambivalence and anxiety of the Six with the impetuous manic propulsion of the Seven, making them markedly more vulnerable and undisciplined than those with an 8 wing.

Members of this subtype exhibit a quality of Peter Pan or the Eternal Child; often they resemble mischievous children, their conversation peppered with lewd, crude anecdotes and observations, the offensiveness of which is offset by their irreproachable twinkly- eyed innocence. Indeed, this subtype more than any is capable of retaining youthfulness, in both appearance and outlook, into advanced age.

This mixture of naughtiness with ingenuousness is in many ways embodied by that archetypal child-woman Marilyn Monroe, whose well- known problems with drugs, relationships and the maintenance a demanding acting career have become the stuff of popular myth, and act as a cautionary tale of the pitfalls of fame, and the sleaze that so often seethes behind glamour.

Her iconic persona, of a somewhat ditzy, doe- eyed nymph, one who seemed, without incongruity, to combine sexuality and innocence, still invites great devotion, pity and affection. Indeed, this unique mixture of the worldly and the innocent distinguishes this type, as the sunny optimism of the Seven compliments the trustful openness of the healthy Six, though the former's love of unfettered fun can be problematic when combined with the latter's anxiety. Whilst members of the other subtypes or, indeed, any typemight be prone to over indulgence, addiction and burnout, Sevens with a 6 wing tend to be less defended, robust or capable of self- renewal.

Unlike the hardy Seven with an 8 wing, who can blast through problems and inure themselves against pain, members of this more vulnerable subtype need to nurture themselves, acknowledge problems where and when they occur, and embrace their innocence, openness and lovable tenderness. The 7 with an 8 wing; The Connoisseur This subtype combines the forcefulness of the Eight with the verve and optimism of the freewheeling Seven, leading to earthy, energized individuals, endowed with both acquisitive urges and the practical abilities to satisfy them.

As comediennes, they combine thick- skinned iconoclasm with an endearingly childish glee, and often use mischief and crudity as a means of conveying the tragic, fallible but hilariously human, humour being perhaps one of the most pleasurable ways of getting to know, and getting to grips with, ourselves. This rather worldly subtype is capable of galvanizing the Eight's strength in gaining material success whilst retaining an energy and enthusiasm unsullied by the often corrosive effects of experience.

There is also grave danger of intemperate overindulgence's both Eight and Seven recognizing no limitoften with fatal consequences Kieth Moon, John Bonham, John Belushi. This provided no hindrance to his writing profound and deeply moving music, and it is perhaps this alliance of the sacred and the profane that make him one of the most touchingly human artists, one in whose work we see a mirror of our earthly as well as spiritual selves.

Advice Recognise and cultivate your innate abilities, and acknowledge your vulnerability. Eights have impressive drive, strength and personal power, a natural predisposition to leadership, and the will to extend their dominion, as well as to protect themselves and those under their care.

There is something quite awesome about the Eights sheer potency of purpose, their absolute certainty and fearlessness. Eights recognize that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, and are adept at having their demands met and needs fulfilled. They emanate authority, but are self- confident enough to seek advice and guidance where and when needed. Like type Ones, Eights are natural leaders, though, unlike that type, are prepared to make mistakes, acknowledging and setting right wrongs, in order to attain their objective.

Eights often have strong protective instincts and can draw people around them like a magnet does iron filings.

Theirs is a strength and solidity you can rely upon, an unflinching bravery you can believe in. As such, Eights make superb campaigners and politicians, not to mention formidable foes. Eights seldom shrink from a fight. Indeed, they often embody the warrior spirit of being most intensely alive when in critical danger. As a rule Eights are not to be crossed, as their fearlessness is combined with an often brutal pragmatism; to make an omelette one must break eggs, and Eights can have little compunction about trampling over others to attain their goals.

When average, Eights can be insensitive to the feelings of others, boldly chasing their objective, regardless of the effect it may have on those who rely upon them.

Rather like type Sevens, Eights often have considerable appetites crossed with a low boredom threshold, often making relationships a difficult area. Eights seem to thrive on a certain amount of friction, spoiling for a fight and respecting only those with the guts to stand up to them. This they admire for, when unhealthy, Eights are contemptuous of any perceived weakness and vulnerability.

At this stage they become the most cruel, despotic tyrants, acting without conscience or empathy, demanding total subordination, yet treating supplicants with unmitigated scorn and pitiless brutality, unable to respond positively to anything other than a comparative savagery. Both can turn silent and withholding, endangering the relationship. What to Appreciate in Observers. Work at sustaining non-judgmental and moderate engagement.

Your sensitivity to intrusion and criticism, an avoidance of feelings and charged issues, a tendency to withdraw or take superior position by judging in an intellectual manner. Restraint, practicality, self-reliance, dependability, high standards, striving to improve things and relationships as a form of care, attention to detail.

Move forward and embrace feelings and charged issues. Find ways to enliven the relationship, including the physical relationship. Encourage Perfectionists to live and let live and in the process, to become more accepting of differences in others. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 6, the Loyal Skeptic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists and Loyal Skeptics often work synergistically in the pursuit of making a better world and correcting injustice.

They are sensitive to each other and dedicated. A cycle of escalating conflict and blame can result when the Perfectionist becomes more critical and angry, feeling that nothing can make the Loyal Skeptic secure and certain. All of this can lead to pain and even disruption or an end to the relationship. What to Appreciate in Loyal Skeptics.

Loyalty, endurance, warmth, intellect, healthy questioning, sensitivity to real issues. Attune more to positives and encourage the Loyal Skeptic to do the same. Provide reassurance, not correction. Allow for more playfulness and lighten up. Work at appreciating the differences between you. A disowned magnification of negatives and worst case scenarios, sensitivity to criticism, contrary thinking, a doubting mind, a tendency to mistrust, difficulty staying with pleasures.

Restraint, conscientiousness, high ethical standards, their striving for improvement, dependability, desire for the best, attention to detail.

Pay attention to all the questioning and doubts in order to become more trusting. Attend to and savor positives and pleasures and encourage the Perfectionist to do the same. Accept criticism without magnifying it. While these contrasting qualities can complement each other, they can also lead to a cycle of escalating conflict. This can devolve into explosive outbursts by the Epicure and righteous fixed-position anger on the part of the Perfectionist.

Ultimately, this polarity can become intolerable to both types and end the relationship. What to Appreciate in Epicures. Spontaneity, enthusiasm, optimism, flexibility, future orientation, a fun-loving quality.

Practice lightening up and letting go of judgments. Grasp the polarity in styles. Make pleasure a priority. Resistance to limits, avoidance of details and ordinary life tasks, tendency to rationalize and reframe, an inclination to be self-serving. Self-control, conscientiousness, high ethical standards, their striving for improvement, practicality, industry, attention to detail and ordinary life tasks. Become more grounded in the present. Hear and even welcome negative feedback.

Maintain a healthy pleasure orientation and encourage the Perfectionist to embrace more pleasure. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 8, the Protector Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists and Protectors often join together in pursuing causes related to fairness, justice and shared interests. However, conflict arises over their considerable opposite tendencies. When this interaction becomes polarized, it can lead to entrenchment, angry outbursts, withdrawal, and eventual destruction of the relationship.

What To Appreciate In Protectors. Strength, leadership, decisiveness, directness, exuberance for life, pursuit of truth, generosity. Become more spontaneous and appreciate this in the Protector. Develop genuine flexibility, not just flexibility based on an internal standard. Stand firm regarding core values. Express your own desires and needs. Develop comfort in expressing anger.

Recognize and work with the polarity in the two types. A tendency toward excess, going from impulse to action, an all-or-nothing style of attending my way or the highway stanceinsensitivity regarding impact on others. What To Appreciate In Perfectionists.

Restraint, conscientiousness, high ethical standards, striving for improvement, industry, fairness, attention to detail. Practice moderating impulsivity and impact. Type 1, the Perfectionist, and Type 9, the Mediator Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Perfectionists and Mediators often join together in attending to detail and leading an orderly, steady life. Mediators, however, can feel criticized and prodded instead of encouraged by Perfectionists.

As a result, Mediators may end up feeling inferior. In attempting to please, they over-accommodate and build up stubborn resistance that annoys and frustrates Perfectionists.

A cycle of escalating conflict can follow, leading to further prodding of the Mediator, which creates a power struggle: This pattern is compounded since both types have difficulty knowing their real needs and desires.

Over time the relationship can deteriorate to extinction. What to Appreciate in Mediators. Flexibility, patience, acceptance, adaptability, steadiness, genuine care, empathy.

To build acceptance and appreciation of your differences. Develop flexibility and patience. Supportive structure, clarity, industry and effort, conscientiousness, improvement and fairness in orientation. Pick up your own pace. Take positions and make initiatives.

Face anger and conflict. Type 2, the Giver, with Another Type 2 Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers join together in valuing a focus on relationships and in appreciating the nurturing quality and sensitivity to feelings in each other.

Partner or friend to the Enneagram 8 // How to embrace the 8

Having little awareness of their own needs, however, they may become overly solicitous with each other, compete for approval, and feel unappreciated, unfulfilled, and ironically unconnected. Failure to get into the natural flow of giving and receiving, can lead to emotional upset and to who is dependent on whom. Ultimately hurt feelings may then ensue leading to angry, emotional outbursts and ultimately to withdrawal or rejection.

There just may not be enough flow of giving and receiving to sustain the relationship. Relationship Development for Givers with Givers: Pride connected to giving leading to tendency to be overly helpfuldifficulty receiving, inattention to own needs, anger when needs go unmet or when feeling unappreciated, over-connection in relationships, and unhealthy focus on gaining approval. What to Appreciate in Other Givers. Helpfulness, relationship orientation, genuine care and support, positivity, flexibility, and sensitivity to feelings.

Express own needs and desires directly and encourage other Giver to do the same. Practice getting into the natural flow of giving and receiving. Conflict occurs when Givers experience Performers as discounting feelings and relationship issues, while Performers experience Givers as getting off task and wanting too much time and attention. A cycle of increasing conflict can result with the two types polarizing — the Giver feeling rejected, getting emotional, and emoting anger and with the Performer feeling unrecognized and impatient and then disappearing into work.

This pattern can result in withdrawal and eventually in alienation end to the relationship. Positive accomplishment orientation, enthusiasm, hopefulness, efficiency, and material support. Balance relationship and goal orientations. Moderate shared characteristics of intensity, positivity, fast pace, and active force. Directly express own needs and desires.

Work on developing receptive force of simply being present in the moment. Inattention to feelings, excessive focus on work and accomplishments, desire for recognition, and shared focus of wanting approval and constructing a good image. Support and care, relationship orientation, generosity, positivity, flexibility, and sensitivity to the needs and feelings of others.

Balance goal and relationship orientations. Pay attention to own deeper needs and desires. Type 2, the Giver, and Type 4, the Romantic Synergies and Challenges Key Conflicts Givers try to satisfy the apparently needy Romantics, attempting to fulfill their needs. They can get caught up in the emotions and intensity of Romantics and lose their own sense of separateness.

This cycle could lead to an unraveling of the relationship. Tendency to overdo helpfulness, desire to keep life up, difficulty with deep and darker feelings, and need for appreciation, approval, and attention. Intensity, relationship orientation, idealization of what could be, depth of feelings, empathy, and authenticity. Practice steadiness since both types fluctuate emotionally.

Work on becoming more self-directed and holding ground, especially in the presence of strong emotions and dissatisfaction. Express own desires and needs. Remind the Romantic of what is positive and present. Need to feel special, not feeling satisfied or complete resulting in fluctuating emotions, tendency toward self-absorption and amplification of feelings, and difficulty appreciating what is present and positive.

Giving and caring quality, positive image, enthusiasm, desire to bring happiness, active forward moving energy, and flexibility. Work on assisting Givers in referencing to their own needs. Show appreciation and gratitude for the positives in life and for what Givers provide. This relationship is truly an attraction of opposites. However, in wanting more connection and acknowledgement, Givers try to bring Observers forward into feelings and more sustained contact. Then Givers active energy can feel intrusive, overly emotional, and demanding to Observers, who then contracts and disengages.

Angry outbursts, alienation, and even disruption of the relationship can ensue. Tendency to overdo helpfulness and become intrusive and over emotional, need for appreciation, approval and attention, and difficulty sustaining a separate or independent self. Develop own autonomy or independence and inner life. Work on moderating claims for time, energy, and connection. Encourage the Observer to move forward into life and feelings.

Positivity and support, open-heartedness, engagement in life, social skills, generosity, and relationship focus.

Move into feelings and stay engaged in life. Allow for dependency and nurturance. Thus, while appreciating Givers support and care, Loyal Skeptics may back off from or confront what they experience as too much attention. A cycle of escalating conflict can result polarizing the situation with the Loyal Skeptic getting accusatory and the Giver getting emotional.

Withdrawal can ensue as one or the other or both types attempt to reduce distress. Eventually, this pattern can cause a lasting disruption of the relationship. Tendency to overdo helpfulness, intrusive behavior, need for approval and attention, hidden dependence, and tendency to over influence with emotions.

Questioning mind, healthy skepticism, loyalty, concern for underdogs, analytic skills, warmth, and endurance. Notice and moderate intrusiveness the big forward-moving energyemotional claims, and helpfulness. Practice directness in expressing own needs and desires.

Positivity and support, open-heartedness, responsiveness, genuine caring, generosity, and sensitivity to others. Claim own authority and boundaries. State what actually is needed and desired.