The same is true for relationships where a balance of give and take is a sound The exact currency is difficult to define but could perhaps be approximated with. Not take, give. Here are some of the things people who want to help their partners be more successful-- and make their marriage stronger--do. Here are 5 tips to help you have a give and take relationship with your partner: Joe and Sarah are a married couple. Being involved in a relationship doesn't mean you should be together 24/7 and not accept your partner's.
Sometimes it's harder to show sincere appreciation for a thoughtful gesture, a kind word, or extra effort. Sometimes it's harder to show sincere disappointment--with others, sure, but also with yourself. People who want a successful marriage openly celebrate. In short, they're openly human. Your spouse married a person. Be the person you are. They know that sometimes tough love is the best love. We all want to be better than we are.
Yet we all fall into habits, fall into patterns, develop blind spots That's why we all need advice, guidance, and sometimes a swift kick in the pants. It's easy to make a snarky comment. It's easy to frown or smirk or look disappointed.
It's a lot tougher to say, especially to someone you care about, "I know you're capable of a lot more. You've never forgotten what that person said. It changed your life. Now go change your spouse's life. They weigh the personal against the practical.
Sometimes seeking professional success can impact the success of your marriage.
According to at least one study, if one spouse commutes longer than 45 minutes, that couple is 40 percent more likely to get divorced. There are some caveats. If you've already spent five years or more commuting more than 45 minutes, then you're only 1 percent more likely to get divorced than couples with short commutes.
- Marriage Is A Give And Give Relationship
In all likelihood, that's because you've worked through the practical and emotional issues involved. Plus, if one of you had a long commute before you started your relationship, then you're also a lot less likely to get divorced than husbands or wives who start a long commute later in their relationship. Just in practical terms, a long commute might not be worth it. According to another study, economists determined a 40 percent increase in pay is necessary to make an additional hour of commuting time pay off in terms of personal satisfaction and fulfillment.
A few dollars an hour more won't make you happy if you have to drive an extra hour every day to earn it. Factor that in with the potential cost to your relationship, and personal considerations could definitely outweigh practical advantages. People working to build a successful marriage always look at the big picture.
Professional success is just one factor in the happiness equation. Make sure you look at every factor--especially the health of your marriage. We, The Marriage Foundation, say that marriage is a give and give relationship at its core, which sets it apart, and above, from all other relationships.
Marriage Is A Give And Give Relationship
Other relationships are shallow compared to marriage. This does not mean that all relationships are shallow, of course. When you live your marriage correctly, the benefits are indescribable. But the key is in how you live your marriage. If you treat marriage like any other relationship, you will never get the great marital benefits that everyone assumes materializes all by themselves.
If you behave in a give-and-take mode, expecting good behaviors to get your spouse reciprocating, you will end up disappointed. Marriage does not operate upon the give-and-take principle of reciprocity.
Marriage requires you to operate with a higher intention instead of just trying to get as much from your spouse as possible. Many greatly misunderstood and misconceived when spouses repeated the same vows, they had made a deal. Giving typically implies generous support that is gratefully received, yet this is not always the case.
We can foist things on people or give only reluctantly. And we may be desperate or unwilling to receive. Likewise, taking can range from grateful acceptance of a kind offer to coercive demands.
Give and Take
Both give and take can hence be positive and negative in intent and involve corresponding positive and negative emotions. The equation of reciprocity The way we behave in balancing give and take is driven by the personal and social need for fairness. Relationships extend this to work through the force of reciprocitywhere there is a strong obligation to repay what you are given.
If one person owes too much to the other, resentment and conflict may arise and the relationship may consequently fall apart. An exact balance is not always required as trust acts to make this a 'sloppy' system.
The greater the trust, the more negative the balance can become before concern about repayment arises. If I trust you then I will give a lot before I seek to take in return, confident that you will repay me at some time in the future.
In each relationship there is a bucket system of 'social capital' where we make deposits and withdrawals from the bucket. The exact currency is difficult to define but could perhaps be approximated with the formula emotion x time.
If you spend two hours helping someone, and they spend an hour helping you, then, if the emotional exchange is equal, they still owe you an hour. Emotional complexity The problem in balancing the books of social exchange is that emotion is a complex variable. If you help me for an hour and I am very grateful, then I may feel a need to help you for three hours doing something in return. Gratitude is hence a powerful driving emotion in social exchange.
When I help you, it is your gratitude that is the deposit in my account that motivates you to repay me, not just the fact that I helped you. Other emotions complicate the situation. For example if I help you and expect you to be grateful, then my feelings of expectation will give me the impression that I have earned a certain amount of social capital, and that my bucket is a little fuller as yours is a little emptier.
Yet if you are not that grateful, you will not think you owe me that much. In fact if you did not need or want my help then you may think you owe me nothing. And if you see my help as an intrusion or an attempted 'robbery' in forcing me to owe you in return then your feelings of resentment will tip the balance the other way as you believe I owe you some reparation for the wrong done.
In this way positive and negative emotions have opposite effects on the social capital bucket, and the stronger the emotion, the bigger the effect. If you hurt me in any way, then you owe me. If you help me then I owe you. Love and hate are enduring emotions that have a big effect on give and take.