What to Do When You Hate the One You Love
The trifecta of a romantic relationship -- intense love, sexual desire and long-term And psychologists who study love, marriage and relationships have A University of Geneva review of nearly studies on compatibility. However, few studies have been conducted on the relationship between love and hate. The present study investigated whether similarity within. The Mystery Behind Love-Hate Relationships either all good or all bad tend to have low self-esteem, according to a series of seven studies by Yale researchers published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.
Great, because here is where it gets interesting. Take a look at the graph below. The bars on the left side of the graph show the typical response using positive and negative objects, such as sunsets and spiders, where positive objects only affect positive target words and negative objects only affect negative target words.
Thus, people feel both positively and negatively toward those they love. This may not surprise you. Feeling negatively towards your partner does not mean that you are doing something wrong or that you are in the wrong relationship.
Why does this study matter? Much of our relationship rhetoric focuses on positive and negative as two ends of a spectrum—feeling more positively toward your partner means you feel less negatively toward them, and vice versa.
The Deeper the Love, the Deeper the Hate
Our feelings toward our partners can range wildly from moment to moment—and it seems that may just be part of the wild ride of sharing your life with another complex human being. Instead, it seems we hold some positive views of these significant others, even as we profess our dislike of them—even if we may not be able to admit it at a conscious level.
Not all bad feeling is bad for you Of course, there is such a thing as too much hate. That is, way more negative than positive. In this study, we implemented a paradigm similar to what has been used in previous research Takahashi et al. The characters in the scenario included one protagonist and three targets.
Participants read the scenario and imagined that they were the protagonist and were in a romantic relationship with one of the target.
We induced different levels of love by manipulating the degree of similarity e. We also induced hate using vignettes that showed target persons betraying the protagonist, such as going on dates or having affairs with people of the opposite-sex. Materials and Methods Participants Sixty volunteers, recruited from different colleges, participated in the experiment.
One participant had misunderstood the instructions and was thus excluded from the analyses. None of the participants reported any previous diagnoses of psychiatric or neurological illnesses. Each participant had provided written informed consent prior to participating in the experiment.
The Deeper the Love, the Deeper the Hate
They were also given small tokens of appreciation for their participation. Materials The vignettes used in the present experimental paradigm were adapted from a previous study that investigated the neural correlates of envy and schadenfreude Takahashi et al.
The vignettes were modified to fit the present romantic love context, according to the previous definitions of love Hatfield and Sprecher, ; Schafer and Keith, The people in the vignettes included one protagonist and three targets i. Participants were asked to study and understand the vignettes thoroughly and to imagine themselves as the protagonist in the vignettes.
Target A was described as a person of equal level of excellence and high similarity to the protagonist, target B as equal level of excellence and low similarity to the protagonist, and target C as low level of excellence and low similarity to the protagonist target C.
See Supplementary Table S1 for details. The PLS is suitable for individuals who are and are not in a relationship, and for individuals who have never been in a romantic relationship Hatfield and Sprecher, ; Aron et al. The reliability and validity of this scale have been established in previous studies Hatfield and Sprecher, ; Fehr, ; Hendrick and Hendrick, ; Fehr and Russell, The findings suggest that couples can not only love each for long periods of time -- they can stay in love with each other.
Frontiers | The Deeper the Love, the Deeper the Hate | Psychology
Sustaining romantic love over the course of many years, then, has a positive function in the brain, which understands and continues to pursue romantic love as a behavior that reaps cognitive rewards, according to positive psychology researcher Adoree Durayappah. Rewards can include the reduction of anxiety and stress, feelings of security, a state of calmness, and a union with another.
And while we might eventually take our partner off of this pedestal after months and years of being together, maintaining a sense of "love blindness" is actually critical to long-lasting passionate love. A University of Geneva review of nearly studies on compatibility couldn't pinpoint any combination of two personality traits in a relationship that predicted long-term romantic love -- except for one.
One's ability to idealize and maintain positive illusions about their partner -- seeing them as good-looking, intelligent, funny and caring, or generally as a "catch" -- remained happy with each other on nearly all measures over time. They're always trying new things together. Boredom can be a major obstacle to lasting romantic or companionate love, and successful couples find ways to keep things interesting.
They avoid neediness by preserving their independence. Neediness is the enemy of long-lasting desire an important component of romantic loveaccording to psychologist and Mating in Captivity author Esther Perel.
Feeling Love and Hate at the Same Time
But if couples can maintain independence and witness each other participating in individual activities at which they're skilled, they can continue to see their partner in an ever-new light. What is most interesting is that there is no neediness in desire.
There is no caretaking in desire.